Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Guy talking to police sketch artist

No, shrink the mustache down.
No, still too big.
You just made it bigger.
You made it bigger again.
What I want is smaller, you made it bigger.
Still bigger. Smaller is the opposite of what you're doing.
That's just a mustache. I was not attacked by a giant mustache.
Okay, yeah that's smaller.
Keep going.
Keep going.
Smaller, keep going.
Keep going.
Okay I said this before but the guy didn't have a mustache.
I was just being polite about asking to make the mustache smaller but yeah, there was no mustache at all.
Okay, you just made it bigger.
Still bigger. Okay wait a minute, I recognize you, you were my rapist!
Nice try.
Yeah that's right draw a picture of yourself.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Great Uncle Hubert's Unpopular Sayings!

My great Uncle Hubert is an author of some famous sayings. You know "It's good for the goose it's good for the gander?" He wrote that. As with any creative process, along with his popular sayings he also many unpopular sayings that's didn't catch on. Each day this week I will be show casing these lesser known sayings. Enjoy.

Today's saying: "Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, Give a man many fishes he'll eat for a lot longer than a day. Maybe several weeks. It depends how many fish you gave him really."

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Runner up names for the Cart Wheel

Before winning out, there were several runner up names for the Cart Wheel. They are as follows:
  • The Rolly Rue
  • The Flippity Do Doe
  • The head over hand over hand over foot foot
  • The Mustard Gas Dash
  • The Dippsey Doodle
  • The Wheel Cart
  • The Car Tire

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

"Tell you what, you tell me your secret, I'll give you a ride in this balloon"


Frank: Damn it Dennis, I'm not telling you my secret!
Dennis: But I rented this balloon.
Frank: Why would you think that would change my mind?
Dennis: Everyone likes balloons.
Frank: How much did it cost to rent?
Dennis: $500.
Frank: Dennis!
Dennis: You got to spend money to make money.
Frank: How would you make money?
Dennis: Balloon rides.
Frank: How long do you get it for?
Dennis: 6 hours.
Frank: Dennis.
Dennis: You're kind of cutting into my balloon ride time, could you please tell me your secret?I want to head over to that school before recess ends. Good customers, kids.
Frank: So you plan to fly over there and have kids get up in your balloon with you?
Dennis: For a fee.
Frank: I'm not sure how many laws that would break.
Dennis: None.
Frank: Who rented you the balloon?
Dennis: This guy had it tied to his shopping cart.
Frank: His shopping cart?
Dennis: He seemed legit.
Frank: Damn it Dennis.
Dennis: Secret please.
Frank: No.
Dennis: I'm pulling up the rope ladder, last chance.
Frank: Don't go up too high with those kids.
Dennis: I'm a safe guy Frank. Secret?
Frank: No.
Dennis: I better turn on my balloon rides bell.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Worst Things To Put Sprinkles On


Sprinkles are good on a lot things, but they're bad on a lot of things too. Like these things:

  • Really bad cake (waste of sprinkles)
  • On dessert of last meal of death row convict (they don't really deserve sprinkles*)
  • The bowl of sprinkles you're eating (that's enough sprinkles now)
  • Grease fire (It will only make the fire worse, use an extinguisher with fire retardant foam)
  • You're paint ball opponent (if you're out of paint balls, just call it a day)
  • Your salad (sprinkles are neither a bacon bit substitute or a lettuce substitute (if poured on bacon bits))
  • An open wound (Disregard if you are participating in a fester contest)
  • Cake at a funeral (Someone's going to take a look at all those happy sprinkles and burst into tears)

*Note: if you truly believe the convict is innocent by all means apply sprinkles.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Transcript From My Stenographer Job Interview


Interviewer: "Listen, if you could not type what I'm saying that would be great....all right you proved your point, you're a great stenographer, you're hired, welcome aboard...please stop...I get it, you can type what people say, great...this interview is over. You got the job. See you tomorrow....please leave........alright, this isn't going to work out. Job offer could you please come up here? is coming....any moment now...please stop typing..........Security please escort this man from the building....just take the stenograph from him...peal off his fingers....that's quite the grip...okay try the other hand the one doing the typiasdfkl;ja;j;;fj...stop his nose from pressing the keys asd;kf;fadsfkl; know what, no. Security let him stay. He has tenacity. The kind I like to see around here. You're hired again! I'm not going to say anything else....I'm going for lunch."

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Kid: "Wow! The Magna Carta? In my town's Burger King?"

"I can't believe it, I can't believe it. What the?..french people...ah "Just For Laughs Gags" ha ha ha you got me, you got me."

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The New Mustache

Guy 1: I'm not feeling the new mustache
Guy 2: I know, here let me rub it across your arm.
Guy 1: Yeah, now I'm feeling it.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Best Places For Fork

It is hard to know where to put fork. Below I provide many.
  • Left of plate
  • Between fork of earlier course and later course
  • In enemy's eye
  • In mouth with delicious eye
  • Reflecting booming laughter one foot from mouth
  • Pointed at stammering minion
  • Slammed into table after exclaiming an angry, almost musical, "What!?"
  • Twirling on fingers while laughing at funny entertainment men.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Impersonate A Walrus!

Impersonating a walrus is one of my guilty pleasures. Here are a few ways to do it:

  • With two pencils under upper lip
  • With two popcicle sticks under upper lip
  • With two carrot sticks under upper lip
  • With two quarter cup butter sticks under upper lip
  • With a hallowed out stuffed walrus you can get inside of
  • With a fun house "walrus mirror" and two pencils under upper lip
  • With a steady diet of fast and processed foods

"Stop in the name of the law library," said the security guard at the law library.

Things overheard at the "2010 Whisper Expo"

The 2010 "Whisper Expo" has just wrapped up in Toronto and yours truly, thanks to one of my many business trips to large national and international cities, had the luxury of attending. Here are some things I overheard:

  • Shhhh
  • Here's my card, I need a whisper like yours in my roster.
  • The keynote speaker was great, I could barely hear him.
  • Really good layout this year. I loved the library theme.
  • Pss Psss Psss Pss Pss
  • That movie "Whisper Force" looks awesome.
  • Yeah, the trailer had the voice volume I like in a movie, but we'll see, they usually save the best parts for the trailer.
  • Do you know where the men's room is? Oh no my micro phone was on when I whispered that!
  • All that whispering has me hankering for a Whisper Whopper.
  • I didn't like how the janitor didn't whisper when I asked for directions.

Who is the Saskatchewan Phantom?

Prominent Saskatchewan business man by day, comedy blog author by night. Who is the Saskatchewan Phantom? The Phantom's identity will not be revealed in 13 short days. Stay tuned.